Heartbreak Hotel

What a depressing, corny headline that is.

I felt anger. I felt sadness. I felt defeat. Slowly getting through the day. My world crashed around me and I sat in complete awe. I was desperate. I didn’t know what to do, how to feel, how to act, what to say? It was all my fault. I did this to myself. How should I cope from here?

I’m still debating on if I really want to write this blog. If I want to post this for the world to see. For the world to get a glimpse into this point of my life. My hope is that this will reach out to someone else and help them. Truly, I want this to help myself.

I broke down and cried for 4 days straight. I screamed. I kicked. I had a complete meltdown. I did not eat for days in a row. Food had lost its taste. I drank, a lot. I attempted making myself numb to feelings, numb to emotions. I ached with so many different pains. I tremored uncontrollably.

I didn’t care if I got sick. I didn’t care if I ended up in the hospital. I was too ashamed to talk to anyone about what was going on. For fear that they would just see me as simply being over dramatic. Out of fear that they would judge me, judge my life. I’m supposed to be perfect, happy. I’m supposed to be strong. I’m not supposed to cry, hurt.

I constantly replayed Beyonce’s lemonade album. I found  the preludes of poems to be quiet soothing. I felt every word. It resonated with my soul.

I forced myself to get dressed and go out one of those days. I needed to see myself as pretty. It was a temporary fix. When I was alone the thoughts consumed me. What am I going to do? Why did I put myself in this situation? Why couldn’t I be the best? Why does this continue happening to me? What is wrong with me?

Those same questions remain as I search for answers. I almost didn’t make it out of bed for work. I didn’t feel like doing life. But I made myself. Glad that I did. I still struggled to make it through the day. I lacked to crave foods, struggled for a desire to eat. Banged my head so hard that I felt out of it. My cognitive functions were nonexistent. I felt as if my soul seemed to be missing but my outer shell was still there.

Take control is what I kept telling myself. Think positive thoughts. Push through this. It hurts to hurt. It hurts so bad. But you have to get through this. Life has its ups and its downs. Remain triumphant. The feelings won’t go away instantly. I can’t keep stressing my heart, my mind, my soul.

Feel the feelings, it’s okay. But don’t succumb to them.