Dang, I wish this blog was my MySpace page circa 2005. I’d have music bumpin’ in the background right now. *Que Mase “Welcome Back”*
Whew! What’s up beautiful souls! Long time no blog, am I right? *slaps knee*
Y’all, I have been in hiding-hiding, hibernating, kinda like a caterpillar. Caterpillars hibernate right? Whatever a caterpillar does before it blooms into a beautiful butterfly is what I have been doing. Except I will be a pink and cheetah print butterfly whenever I bloom. Picture that. Pretty hot, right?
I know everyone has had a rough 2020. I feel y’all I promise I do. Howwwwever, my 2019 WAS A MOTHAF*CKN BEAST! Like seriously I am so happy that I am alive to tell the story. Okay, not that seriously but y’all feel my drift. In 2019 genius me decided I wanted to return to school and obtain a Master’s Degree in Strat Comm. Which was a great idea, kinda (I’ll post a blog about the schematics of college later). What I did not think all the way through was the fact that I decided to return to school full steam ahead, right. I popped off my return to college with 9 hours in a split semester (8 week semester) which is insanely insane for anyone in any Masters Program. Hey, sis I know, sh*t crazy, but I was tryna get-er-done ASAP ASAP, okay! On top of schooling I was working two jobs (which are both basically full time jobs) annnd trying to maintain a social life (HA! I laugh in my face!). Then there was the extra stress of discrepancies with my advisor, who didn’t do much advising *rolls eyes*. I promise dealing with my advisor from 2018-2020 was absolutely more stressful than living my daily, hectic af life. Woo chile. Many sleepless nights, many tears (not that many because I AM A G), many empty bottles of Ivanabitch Peach Vodka, etc etc, but I would not trade any of it!
The alluring years of 2019 and 2020 have brought me through such a beautiful journey. My body managed going 100 MPH all the time so well that once it all came to a full stop in late 2019 my body basically crashed and burn. I was on a three week vacation from work and school, celebrating my graduation in the midst of it all, basically trying to chill and enjoy life but my body said #NoCHILL. I went through episodes of anxiety attacks, bouts of depression, extremely high blood pressure, I was basically bed ridden for about three weeks during 2019, to literally losing it in a slight episode early 2020 (pre-pandemic). I literally lost myself in 2019 and still was nowhere to be found come 2020.
I do not know where I would be if 2020 would have transpired any differently for me. At the beginning of 2020, I was so lost and afraid to the point where I began lacking in areas that I would normally be on top of. Basically I went from being this high achieving individual to becoming a slacker. And I did not feel bad for becoming a slacker. Why? Because I had f*ckn lost it. I did not care about anything.
Let’s put the grapefruit on top of the double chocolate German cake (ew). I celebrated another year of life the first week of May 2020 with a beautiful, outside, COVID-friendly celebration with my closest loved ones. Probably the best weekend of my life all 2020! Yet, literally six days later, I was called into a meeting with my GM and laid off from my job because of the effects of the pandemic. But check this, I had checked out so much that I kinda didn’t GAF. I freaked a little but I was more concerned about making the next move my best move (I’ll blog about that whole ordeal later). I had called up friends from Dallas to make arrangements to move-in with them and some more! I just wanted a new life so badly. I had lost my excitement for life. The creative juices no longer flowed through me. Like, I was just a lifeless blob. I was like that episode of Spongebob when he went into Sandy’s crib and took off his water helmet. LIFE HAD SUCKED ME DRYYY. I NEEDED WATERRR.
So much sh*t transpired between 2019 and 2020 that could’ve broken me. I could’ve gave up at any point. But I kept sh*t pushing and here I am today ready to begin telling you all about this beautiful journey I have been embarking on. I am still the mid- *cough late* twenty something year old having a mid-life, mid-life crisis yet I am more understanding of what, why, who, when, where, and how all of this is happening.
This level of understanding has directly derived from the spiritual journey that I loosely began in July 2019. After the sh*t storm I experienced 2019-2020 I dove head first into my spiritual journey June/July 2020. Dove straight into the deep end no floaties, no nothin’. I have been embarking on the transformational journey of learning Human Design, moon rituals, affirmations, manifestations, chakras, crystals, sage burning, insense burning and much much more. Like I really *be* listening to podcasts, reading countless Internet articles/posts, and trying to read books to learn as much as I possibly can. WAIT, before you think it, no this ain’t none of that woowoo mess. I am not a witch, nor am I casting spells on others to force them to fall in love with me (which is a terrible, terrible idea, btw. Don’t fck with free will or free will will fck you). I am simply practicing the magick my ancestors laid before me years ago.
Overall, this spiritual journey has been a lonely one for me, to be honest. I hope none of my friends and my family members is taking it personal, but I literally had to create space between them and myself to get back to the basics of “who tf is Yoh’?” Again, I had lost myself in the whirlwind of just existing and I was ready to turn the tables and start living. It has been a remarkable journey and I am so proud of myself and where I am now today. Still have a ways to go tho!
The key takeaway for 2020 for me, and the thing that I am the most grateful for, is that 2020 made me sit tf down and look myself eye to eye in the mirror. I did not know who I was and I was sick of looking at whoever that guh (girl) was. She didn’t radiate the same positive vibes she had before. She was simply existing. I was ready to live. 2020 taught me to love me again. It taught me to be okay with being alone for weeks at a time and have fun kicking it with myself!
I hope that this blog and my upcoming blogs inspires all of you, regardless of your spiritual/religious outlook, to grab life by the horns and start living with a purpose! Yeah, it may feel like the journey ain’t worth much of nothing in the beginning. That’s because it’s hard, it’s lonely. Especially during Quarantine 2020 now spilling into Quarantine 2021 for some. Howwwever, THE JOURNEY IS FREAKING WORTH IT. Follow through with the plans you set forth and change your own life. Be in control of your own happiness!
I am so happy to reconnect with you guys!
Btw this blog was brought to you off 2 hours of sleep within a 39 hour period. Last night I had an awakening that was so intense that I literally did not sleep a wink (Potent New Moon Vibes!). And I am not mad about the loss of sleep at all.
Stay tuned! Please, do not hesitate to reach out to me with any questions, concerns, heckles, boos that you may have as a result of this blog post or my site in general. I am here for alluvit.
Ase’ and May Peace Be With You.